Turning...

Well, I've been forty for a couple of days now, and I've been trying to put my finger on the differential between before and after. This afternoon, it hit me.

The main difference is not, has not been, in the 40, but in the "turning 40."

Way back, in what feels like another lifetime, when Penny and I first got to know each other, she was telling me about how old it felt to turn thirty. "I know what you mean..." I said. "Yeah, but I JUST TURNED THIRTY..." she replied, and the repartee went on for a few moments until I finally asked her, "Just how OLD do you think I AM?!" at which point she paused thoughtfully, and with timid confidence proceeded to posit the guess of "forty?".

Inside of myself, I thought something to the effect of "Wow, ministry really does kill you early, huh!" But, to be frank, I had kind of felt the age already anyway.

The other night on my birthday, then, Penny remarked, "...you're finally the age I thought you were back when I first met you!" I chuckled a little, smiled at my bride, and thought, "yeah, I guess I am." It felt different than I thought it would. Tired, good, tired, satisfying, and simply happy somehow. Somewhere along the way I turned, I guess... forty. To Penny, and inside myself, forty seemed to come a few years back for me... I don't really know how or when, really, and it makes me wonder when sixty will hit!

However it happened, along the way the years caught up and I'm left looking across a table in the Big Easy, smiling at the woman I love, seeing my children laugh in the sparkle of her eyes, and feeling just plain satisfied.

Money and fame have gone another way, found other friends, and for the most part left me alone with happiness. It's simpler than I thought it might look and better than I thought it might feel. In the end it's both excruciatingly hard and remarkably satisfying. There is pain and gladness, both tears and cheers, defeat and victory that line the path to "turning forty" and as crazy as it might sound, it's been a good trail to ride.

I don't look back much, and what's ahead is only shown to me a bit at a time; but for today, I wouldn't trade the grey hair for gold... well... no, not even for gold.

To all of you who have been true on the trail with me over the years, who have fought the dragons and stood the test together, who have taken the wounds and toasted the victories with me, I say thanks... it was good to have sat the trail together. For tomorrow, there is another trail to ride.

As I've written to so many over the years, "May we live long, ride hard, and die in the saddle!" Such is the life we are given, and the privilege of service with which we are rewarded!

Pax Christi ad Nobis!

John